I’m done! These two words should make all my naysayers jump for joy. I’ve come across roadblock after roadblock in trying to continue on with what I’m doing and I’ve finally had enough. I’m done with living at the shelter, unable to do any type of job search because I can’t get my phone back from my daughter; I’m done holding out hope that my sister will come to her senses and let me pick up a few things at her house such as my resume and other important documents (remember, she said I had to come and take everything or nothing); I’m done with all the haters in my family; I’m done with just “existing” at the shelter, waiting for 6 PM (supper) and 8PM (bed) all the while surrounded by men who swear, use disgusting language and make comments about women that make me sick to my stomach; I’m done with just about everything. I just want to push the world away and just exist on my own. I know the enemy has his hand in this, but I don’t really care right now, that’s how disgusted I am with almost everyone and almost everything.
There have been two bright lights in my life these past few weeks, and those have been my friend Nancy from my church, and Pastor Jose, who takes time out of his day once or twice a week to offer this lonely soul some fellowship. Of course, I still have my faith in the Lord, but I am having difficulty understanding exactly what He wants from me lately. I don’t have the opportunity to be alone with Him as much as I used to, so my “alone time” with Him has suffered.
Just when I thought I couldn’t get beat down any more than I was, I went to the shelter to get my belonging and they told me that I had to come back at 3PM to retrieve them. Yep, that’s life at the shelter… waiting. Needless to say, I just told them to forget it and walked away.
So what’s up for me now that I’m done? I don’t know. I plan to be on the streets and just “exist” for a while. I have no desire to do anything but just be alone with the Lord.
And to think, there was a good job offer listed on the board at the library for an Administrative Assistant at our local Head Start program… a job I wanted to apply for until I found out that I’d have to wait yet another day to get my phone… that’s if my daughter wasn’t lying to me again. Yep, that’s one of the things the enemy used to get me to this point. She promised me she would bring my phone to me on Saturday at 9:15 AM. By almost noon I was already sending her texts and fb messages asking her where she was. She told me she was filling out a job application and had to make a couple of calls and then she’d drop the phone off to me. I waited, skipping lunch so that I wouldn’t miss her, until 3PM when I had to make my way back to the shelter. My heart was broken because I had hoped that my daughter was telling me the truth only to find out that she had no intention of bringing the phone to me that day.
When I contacted her today about the phone and found out that she wanted to bring it to me tomorrow, something inside me died. Was it hope? It may have been. Was it any miniscule amount of trust I still had left in her? Probably. Whatever it was, it made me throw my hands up and say, “I’m done.”
So, I’m mentally exhausted and taking a mental break for the next few hours, days, weeks or months… however long it takes. I’m done and I don’t know when I’ll be ready to stand up again and take another step. Right now, I want to sit down and just watch the world go by. I have no desire or ambition to do anything other than walk away from the stress, the responsibility, and people’s expectations of me. Pray for me, if I come to mind.
Navigating The Narrow Road 